I'm Almost Smart

Apparently the logic portion is completely messed up. One of my smart friends, Ms. Lemony Lemon, also tested poorly on it. Since we're both wicked smaht (just ask us, we'll confirm it) there must be something wrong with the computing of the scores.

Your IQ Is 140

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

It's All About Me

Hello, cherubs. I know it's been ages since I've posted anything, and I'm truly sorry. I was just visiting my dear friend Lemony's blog and decided to rip off her idea of posting one of those memes (i.e. you answer questions about yourself and show it to your friends in hopes they give a fig). So rather than being clever, I'll just try and open a window into my soul (barf).


What were you doing 10 years ago?

I had just finished my 1st year of college and was wrestling with being a big homo. I didn't come out until February of 1998, though. I hadn't started drinking yet (I didn't have even a sip until my 21st birthday) but I made up for it since then. I was still a virgin and thought I knew everything about everything. Basically your typical 20-year-old.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

I was getting ready to turn the big 30. Thank god I have, because my 20's were getting tiresome. It's nice being able to pay for your rent, food and belongings.

Five snacks you enjoy:

• Velveeta Shells and Cheese
  
• Fudgsicles
  
• Kashi Cherry Dark Chocolate bars
  
• Raisins
  
• Chips and salsa
  

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
(I only know these because I do them for Karaoke)

• Fly Me to the Moon
  
• Daydream Believer
  
• Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me
  
• Bed of Roses
  
• Dancing Queen (surprising, I know)
  

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
In order!

• Pay off all my debts
  
• Buy a house
  
• Pay off family's debts
  
• Give money to friends
  
• Save the rest
  

Five bad habits:

• Smoking
  
• Cursing
  
• Picking my nose and wiping it on the furniture (kidding)
  
• Not exercising
  
• Ordering pizza when I'm too lazy to cook
  

Five things you like doing:

• Cooking
  
• Hanging out with friends
  
• Reading
  
• Playing video games
  
• Gardening
  

Five things you would never wear again:

• High-rise jeans
  
• Cardigans
  
• Turtleneck sweaters (especially when worn under cardigans)
  
• Hypercolor anything (fat kids and color-changing clothing is not pretty)
  
• Polyester second-hand clothing
  

Five favorite toys:

• iPod
  
• Playstation 2
  
• Kitchen Aid Mixer (don't have it yet, but want it in red)
  
• PhotoShop
  
• My BBQ

Well, dears, I hope you now feel like you know me better than your own mother (that's especially true for all you little orphans reading this from your orphanage in Zimbabwe wishing Madonna would adopt you).

Golden Globes

It's been a while since I've written anything about celebrities and the Red Carpet is always a good excuse to be vicious, I mean take a closer look.

I will have to say that I was impressed. The people who had successful outfits far outnumbered those wearing fug couture. It's slightly disappointing because I really enjoy saying mean things about people who make more money than I do.


Best Dressed:

Men:

Justin Timberlake: As much as I think he's a putz, JT does know how to dress. Boy looks good enough to eat out.

Jamie Foxx: He's come along way from Wanda on In Living Color. I think he should have lost the shades, though.

Sacha Baron Cohen: When he's not dressed as Borat, Sacha is pretty damn hot. He also gave one of the best acceptance speeches of the night. Anytime you refer to the "testicles and anus" of another person, that's class.

Leonardo DiCaprio: What can I say, I've always thought he was hot and he kind of has a Frank Sinatra-esque vibe that works for him.

Michael Urie: Ok, he's not really that amazingly dressed but I think he's a cutie. He's also gayer than a sack of kittens, but I'd totally hit it. LOVE the teal tie/hankie combo.

Women:

Jennifer Hudson: I love to see a black girl who keep her hair dark. I'm tired of seeing sisters like Mimi and Beyonce with bleached-blonde hair. Jennifer looks amazing and the dress is perfect for a curvy girl. You work that Golden Globe, gurl!

Hillary Swank: I haven't always been a fan of Hillary when she dresses like a girl, but part of that is because I keep seeing Brandon Tina. I will have to say she looked surprisingly good last night (though the giant diamond barrette was almost too much).

Angelina Jolie: Actually both she and Brad look hot, but I have enough sexy men. I love Angelina. She's like Madonna because she did a lot of crazy stuff early in her career and then did an about face and now is an adoption diva. Good for her.

Renee Zellweger: Aside from her usually pinched and bloated face, Renee looked good. Her shoes were fabulous and the dress really looked good on her. Way to work it, Ms. Potter.

Cameron Diaz: Her hair sucks, but that's a hot dress. It'd look better if she had any tits, but I think plastic surgery is a bit drastic for a night out.


Worst Dressed:

Men:

Jeremy Irons: When Sasha Baron Cohen doesn't shave, he looks hot. When Jeremy Irons does it, he looks like he's suffering from a terminal disease. The Nehru blouse with the flower petals on it didn't help the ensemble. He just looked sloppy and dying.

Michael Bolton: I know it's only the Golden Globes but wear a tie. At least he doesn't have that balding mullet that he was known for in the 90's.

Women:

Meryl Streep: She may have more awards than anyone else, but she looked like she was going to a toga party afterward. This was not a good look. You would have thought that winning for Devil Wears Prada she would have tried a bit harder to look nice.

Beyonce Knowles: She looked like a cross between a Solid Gold dancer and a hooker. Now after the fuss between her and Jennifer Hudson I've admittedly liked B even less than usual, but this was not a hot look for her.

Nicollette Sheridan: Her legs are her best assets and she covered them up! Not to mention that all that foofy fabric at the bottom looks ridiculous. It's too stiff. Ugh, not cute.

Vanessa Williams: The dress wasn't terrible by itself, but combined with the fur wrap and the 7 heads of hair she has going on, not pretty. I've seen drag queens who manage to be more subtle than that. I think she would have looked amazing if she'd lost the dead cat and kept her hair short and sleek.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: I think this outfit would look really good if she were battling Aslan for control of Narnia. Otherwise, this is fug and shouldn't be worn.

Cheryl Crow: She looks like the bride of the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak.

Happy New Year

If any of you watched the ball drop from New York, you saw Dick Clark doing his best to report the event. Clark suffered a stroke in 2006 and it was sad to see him slurring his words and struggling. I'm sure that he wanted to be part of the show since he's been doing it since the A.D. calendar was first created.

I found it incredibly disturbing to watch, especially since he was paired with bubbly co-host Ryan Seacrest. I don't know why Seacrest is so popular. He looks like a goober and cheesier than Wisconsin.


I don't know what Hollywood is thinking lately, they've been bringing out all the old celebrities to embarass themselves instead of just letting them quietly live their lives. This was on par with Lauren Bacall's presentation at the 2006 Oscars. The poor dear was shaking and stuttering and you could tell she just wanted to be home in her comfy chair with a cold glass of gin and an afghan around her legs. Oddly enough that's what I'd rather be doing right now, too.

Happy Chrismahannukwanzaakamas

I know it's been ages since I've written, darlings, but I got a new job in September that actually has enough work to keep me busy. Dammit! I hate it when work gets in the way of fun. Oh well.

I promise to post a long update on my interesting life and all the joy I bring to others, but for now let me just gush about this yummy new vodka I found.

It's Svedka's Clementine vodka and it is divine. It smells and tastes like clementines (those little oranges that mom used to put in your stockings at Christmas). It is so good you can drink it on the rocks or mix it with Sprite or tonic. It's very nice and inexpensive. In the spirit of the holidays I've come up with a lovely little martini that will be perfect for your holiday party or for giving to your grandma so she'll fall asleep and leave you alone.

2 parts Svedka Clementine Vodka
1 part Cranberry Juice
A Splash of Goldschlager
Garnish with a Clementine Twist or Cinnamon Stick

Enjoy and have a happy and safe Holiday.

Oh Mi Bod

Now you can Shake Your Groove Thing or Rock Your Body every day with this new attachment for your iPod. This fun little item, conveniently priced at $69, vibrates as you listen to your music. You can even buy a handy garter strap to put your iPod in so the cord won't have to run from your iPod down your dress like some piece of common gutter trash.

I think this is a great idea. You could totally give yourself hours of pleasure by starting out with some Carpenters, maybe move on to Barry White, then step it up to Madonna and then finish yourself off with some hardcore techno. With the playlist feature on iTunes, you could have all sorts of pre-set orgasms. What a great age we live in that technology is used to promote happiness. I know what's going on MY Christmas list.

Going Home

It's funny. I was watching this reality show I got from Netflix, Manor House, and it really hit me tonight how much I miss my family. I'm flying home tomorrow to spend a week in Portland with them and I'm really looking forward to it. Aside from the crap I'm going to have to deal with because of the latest terrorist threat, it's really going to be a fun trip. I'll try to make fun of at least one celebrity while I'm on vacation, but no promises.